Let’s Talk About (My) Identity

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Image source: Deviantart.com

This post is inspired by my twitter pal Painter McSomething, as well as recent events in the ace and aro communities. My original intention was to do a Twitter thread, but I wanted to go into details and doing that on twitter feels scarier. Plus, this post may be TMI for a lot of folks, and this way the only way to be exposed to the information is to click on it, which is a choice my followers can make actively without being forced to interact with it on twitter. 

So, this is going to get personal. If you’ve had a chance to read Painter McSomething’s thread, they did a great job sharing how their identity as a grey-ace panromantic person works for them. I know there’s been a lot of talk among people both in and out of the ace and aro communities about wanting to learn more, especially in the last few months. Now, there’s quite a few resources for people to check out online (I’ll link some at the end of the post), but I figured it’s also helpful to hear how people ID as ace and aro and what that means to them.

Disclaimer: This is not an educational post on aromantic and asexual 101. I’m going to be only talking about myself. Remember that not everyone’s experiences will perfectly match up to mine, and my experiences don’t probably reflect everything you’ve read online. This doesn’t invalidate either mine or other people’s IDs as aces or aros in any way, shape, or form.

I’m grey-asexual, meaning I fall somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I don’t fall in one particular place, my feelings of sexual attraction and my libido vary all the time, so grey-ace works best for me. I’m mostly uninterested in sex and that works for me. Even as a teenager, I was interested in sex, but not interested in *having* sex with other people. This has not changed thus far. Here’s where the term autochorrisexual comes in. This means I engage in certain sexual activities (choosing to keep the details to myself here), but none of them involve other people. I occasionally do find other people attractive, mostly aesthetically, almost never sexually. I read a crap ton of erotica novels and genuinely enjoy them, and I’m not averse to visual representations of sex in movies and such. Libido is a whole other factor to consider. Again, I’d like to point you towards another thread by Painter McSomething. My libido goes up sometimes, and mostly (but not always) correlates with my reading of erotica. I’m also kinky, but it is a completely non-sexual experience for me. It has more to do with the power dynamics, and helps a great deal with my anxiety. I don’t feel qualified enough to discuss more about BDSM, but this is the extent of my experience with it. 

I’m grey-romantic, which means I fall somewhere on the romance spectrum. To be honest, I’m ninety-nine percent “no thanks romance”, but I have commitment issues, so I prefer ID-ing as grey-romantic. I have no interest in a singular or multiple romantic partners, and definitely prefer the idea of queerplatonic relationships. I have had crushes in the past, but have had no interest in any sort of romantic or sexual involvement with them. I value friendships deeply, and have a small number of extremely close friends. I have one or two people in my life with whom the relationship goes a lot deeper than traditional friendship, but is still strictly platonic and (so far) has no labels, and I like it that way. Even if I were to ever be in a defined QPR, I don’t think monogamy is my jam, and that’s okay. My (hypothetical) queerplatonic partner’s gender does not factor into this, in that I’m not strictly queerplatonically attracted to a specific gender. I value close emotional commitments. My feelings about physical behaviors like hugging, kissing, hand-holding, spooning, etc. really depend on the person. I don’t identify as touch-averse, but I definitely have a preference about whom I engage in these behaviors with. 

I’m going to talk about gender identity for a second here. After a lot of hemming and hawing, I’ve landed on identifying as demigirl. “Cis” has not felt comfortable to me for a long time, but neither did going with nonbinary or trans. Some days I feel femme, somedays nonbinary. This reflects in my emotional responding, how I connect with people, how I want people to see me, my hair, my clothes, my makeup, my everything; the lines are very blurry. I’m still working out how this works with my aroace-ness, and some days feel very conflicted. I am not comfortable with female-specific words like “woman”, “lady”, “queen”, etc. My pronouns are she/her

This is all I have for now. Again, this is all just me, and how I identify as a grey-ace, grey-aro demigirl. These might reflect other people who share these identities, or they might not at all, and that’s okay. None of this also means that I’ve figured everything out about myself. I’m comfortable with evolving IDs and values, and I’ll just keep checking in with myself from time to time. This does not mean I don’t have days where I’m wondering if I’ve just all this up about myself, or days that I don’t feel like an imposter. I absolutely do. But that’s when I reach out to some lovely hearts for validation, and work through it.

So, I hope this helps you some, whoever is reading this. Whatever I know about the ace and aro spectrums I know from my own experiences and my research when I was contemplating these IDs. I’m always willing to share, and always open to chatting with anyone, or answering any questions you may have. I also don’t have all the answers, and I will be honest with you when that’s the case. I’m also linking some resources below, but these are not exhaustive at all. The best way to learn more is by talking to people within the community, especially those who are constantly advocating, but please remember not to demand anyone’s time and emotional labor. 

Thanks so much for making it to the end of this. This was not easy to write. Being this open and vulnerable here is terrifying, but I also know this was necessary. I hope this helps anyone out there, and I apologize if I inadvertently hurt anyone with anything I’ve written in this post. 

P. S. I’m still not out to a lot of people that I know in real life, and I don’t feel comfortable being out to most people outside of the internet for now. So, if you’re reading this and you happen to know me outside of the interwebz, please check-in before discussing any of this with me in-person. I am not in a place where I can or want to be accidentally outted. I appreciate the support. 

Resources:

AVEN: http://www.asexuality.org/

On aro/ace jargon 101: https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2015/02/18/how-to-not-to-do-101-on-asexuality-sex-repulsion-and-sexual-activity/

On using allosexual: https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/why-i-use-allosexual/

On allosexual: https://aroaceyellspace.tumblr.com/post/158869186213/honestly-i-have-no-idea-what-the-fuck-peoples

On allosexism: http://asexualityexists.tumblr.com/post/29138181610/on-allosexism

On inclusion: https://vaspider.tumblr.com/post/157183577991/okay-but-if-someone-doesnt-experience-homophobia

You Might Be Aromantic If: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/69145328274/you-might-be-aromantic-if

The Asexual Journal: http://theasexual.com/

The Ace and Aro in SFF database: http://claudiearseneault.com/?page_id=1320

 

 

 

Mid-2017 Evaluation: Where Do I Go From Here?

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I’m a little stunned that we’re already in the middle of 2017. It is friggin’ July, this is wild. What even is time? It is ridiculous how fast it flies. So much has happened in the last six months. I don’t think I am where I wanted to be at this time when the year began, but it isn’t the worst place to be. 

I went back to take a peek at my 2017 blogging resolutions, and so far, haven’t done any of them justice. I’m way behind on my Goodreads goal, I haven’t made or stuck to a blogging schedule, I took on extra reading challenges and didn’t manage to keep up with them, I fell behind on the Social Justice Book Club, and I haven’t really discussed any books with problematic rep on my blog. I had to scale back on the layout of this space because I couldn’t afford full membership, but needed some modicum of self-hosting control. All of this is getting me down. These all seemed like reasonable goals at the beginning of this year, but I definitely didn’t anticipate how much of my time would get sucked in our giant move in the first half of this year. I didn’t anticipate the toll it would take on my mental and physical health. I’ve experienced more identity crises in the last 11 months than ever before. I’m still looking for full-time employment. The world seems to be even more of a shitfest than before. These aren’t really excuses, nor am I looking for condolences or sympathy, they’re just things I didn’t anticipate happening or affecting me as much as they are.

Some good things happened too- My Chicago vacation and the annual professional conference I attended went super well. I took on some projects I’m really excited about, and I’ve got clearer career and academic goals in mind since then. Living in India definitely offers me more freedom in terms of movement and having close friends in the same city. My reading pace has picked up in the last couple of weeks, and I feel good about that. 

Given all of these things, I’m taking another stab at my 2017 resolutions:

  1. Blogging schedule: I’m going to set myself a goal of publishing once a week. It doesn’t seem like a lot, and it’s fairly low response effort, but right now consistency is key. If I do more, great, but if I do at least one, it’ll be better than month-long breaks.
  2. Social Justice Book Club is coming back in August- I’ll be announcing the details of that this weekend. We’re going back to a bi-monthly schedule, so hopefully that helps.
  3. I’m going to work on really, really evaluating the time and space I have available before participating in reading challenges.
  4. Catching up on ARC reviews, and cross-posting on Amazon and Goodreads. 

I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but I’m sincerely grateful for every person that follows my blog, reads my stuff, and takes the time to comment. I’m always shocked when anyone visits this space, given that my content is so erratic. Please know that I value each and every one of you. Thank you.

-J

Dewey’s Readathon: Spring 2017 Edition

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Hey friends,

I know, it’s been a while. A long while. My sincerest apologies. I just cannot seem to get a handle on this life thing. We’ve moved and I’m still adjusting. It’s been weird. Also yes, I’ve had to change the blog format, for reasons (that are mostly financial). Apologies if that’s throwing anyone off.

I’ve been a little off the blogosphere and bookternet in general recently- minus yelling on twitter. Nothing outside of YA has been grabbing my attention lately, so this edition of Dewey’s could not have come at a better time. I’m more than ready to hunker down for some uninterrupted reading and bookternet time (and yes, of course, will be going grocery shopping because what is a readathon without the snack really?) It’ll be interesting because I’m in a completely different timezone this time, so my readathon is from 5.30 p.m. Saturday evening to 5.25 p.m. Sunday evening. This is going to be very interesting. Somehow, 7 to 7 doesn’t feel quite as long. I’m not sure if I’ll be awake all 24 hours this time, but really I’m just looking forward to being in the zone and have a good time. 

I’ve been particularly absent this time around- I usually like to help Andi and Heather out with writing a warm-up post or hosting a twitter chat- and the reasons are mostly along the lines of me flailing at life in general. I’ll spare you the boring details. However, I managed to spend some time yesterday catching up on the official blog, and this beautiful tribute to our dear friend Heather from Bits and Books left me teary-eyed. Please check it out. 

I will probably do one quick midway update on here and a wrap-up post at the end, but I will be active on Twitter, Instagram (Amanda aka nerdybookgirl is hosting an IG challenge), and Litsy (@theshrinkette). Use the hashtag #readathon to find your peeps!

Whether you read 2 hours or 20, make yourself sick on too many cookies, or just lounge about in your pajamas reading one book, it’s still an amazing thing to be a part of for a whole 24 hours. Don’t miss it. I’ll be there doing my thing: 

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-J

February 20th, 2017: It’s Monday, What Are You Reading?

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It’s Monday, What Are You Reading? is a weekly meme currently hosted by The Book Date. It’s a place to meet up and share what you have been, are and about to be reading over the week, and add to that ever-growing TBR stack.

Did I call it or what? I only finished Runtime and The Souls of Black Folk from my planned TBR for the past week, and kept getting distracted by other books. I devoured The Boss and The Girlfriend by Abigail Barnette, as well as Sarah Nicole Lemon’s debut YA novel Done Dirt Cheap, which I also enjoyed. I’m woefully behind on my #SJBookClub reading, so that’s going to be my focus this week:

Honestly, it’s getting a little painful that I’ve been in the middle of these books for as long as I have.

On the blogging front, success! I managed to squeeze in a second review yesterday, thereby honoring my commitment for the week (I’m telling you, the public shaming thing works). Committing to three posts this week (with one post being a review of a book with problematic representation) as well. Turns out I err on the side of caution when it comes to blogging. 

Related, I’ve been considering offering up sensitivity reading services, specifically for South Asian, Hindu, chronic pain, Ace-spectrum, and immigrant/expat rep. It’s super intimidating and definitely a lot of work, but I’ve been looking at the sheer number of problematic books that are being published and it sounds like the push for sensitivity reading is more than necessary. Thoughts?

Also, after a LOT of deliberation, I’ve set up a ko-fi link. I still feel super iffy about it, but it’s there for anyone that wants to buy me a coffee because of blog things or twitter things. (I’m cringing at that last sentence but don’t know how else to phrase it, sorry!) No pressure whatsoever. If I continue feeling shitty about it I’ll probably take it down. 

Aaaaaaannyyway, talk to me about books! What are you reading this week?

-J

 

 

February 13th, 2017: It’s Monday, What Are You Reading?

bookdate

It’s Monday, What Are You Reading? is a weekly meme currently hosted by The Book Date. It’s a place to meet up and share what you have been, are and about to be reading over the week, and add to that ever-growing TBR stack.

So last week I committed to two additional posts, with at least one of them being a review. Well, I did get in that review, so baby steps? I’m going to use my Monday posts to continue publicly committing to what I want my blogging will look like for the rest of the week, because it isn’t lack of time necessarily that’s preventing me from honoring these commitments. 

On the other hand I think I’m finally getting my reading groove back. I finished up Narrative of Sojourner Truth, Chameleon Moon for #AceBookClub (which is so good I’m definitely going to review that soon), read and reviewed The Refugees (which also is so, so good). I finished listening to Freedom Is A Constant Struggle, and I definitely recommend the audio version. The library did me a solid yesterday and my hold on When The Moon Was Ours came through, so naturally I dropped everything else to read it in one sitting. I. LOVED. IT. This is the most I’ve read in weeks, so I was really happy about that. 

Naturally, as a result of this bump in my pace, I’m back to my overambitious reading goals this week:

Oh man, throw in some contemporary romance or smut and some literary fiction into this collage and this would be the most accurate summary of my wheelhouse. 

This week’s commitment: Post one review and one other post. (Maybe publicly shaming myself will push me, who knows.)

Drop me a line and let me know what you’re reading!

-J

January 9th, 2017: It’s Monday, What Are You Reading?

bookdate

It’s Monday, What Are You Reading? is a weekly meme currently hosted by The Book Date. It’s a place to meet up and share what you have been, are and about to be reading over the week, and add to that ever-growing TBR stack.

Haha, remember that time I resolved to be a better blogger guys? Well, the universe had different plans. Rather, my aunt did. She surprised us all by visiting, arriving last Monday and leaving only yesterday. While it was a lovely week, I had very little reading time and no writing time. Womp womp. 

I did manage to finish Every Hear A Doorway and The Sun Is Also A Star, which were both awesome. I DNFed Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult (as I suspected I would; I explained why on Goodreads). I have 4 books left to complete in #DAReadathon, but they’re all heavy hitters so there’s a definite possibility I won’t finish them this week. 

I’m taking Naz’s advice on The Fifth Season and switching it out either for Binti by Nnedi Okorafor or The Star-Touched Queen by Roshani Chokshi, depending on how much time I have left. I’ll let you know what I ended up picking next week. Slowly plowing through Hope In The Dark, and I’m really enjoying our new discussion format. I’m also committing to at least one review this week, after making sure that we have no more relatives that could potentially be visiting us for now. 

Read anything interesting? Drop me a line in the comments and tell me how your first week of reading in 2017 has been!

-J

 

 

November 14th, 2016: It’s Monday, What Are You Reading?

bookdate

It’s Monday, What Are You Reading? is a weekly meme currently hosted by The Book Date. It’s a place to meet up and share what you have been, are and about to be reading over the week, and add to that ever-growing TBR stack.

Continue reading “November 14th, 2016: It’s Monday, What Are You Reading?”